VATICAN CITY — With thousands gathered in St. Peter's Square, a cardinal most PopeWatchers labeled as a mere dark-horse candidate emerged from the basilica in cassock, mozzetta, and stole: the Chicago-native and deep-dish aficionado Robert Francis Prevost. Watch the holiest man of "one of America's last great NO BULLSHIT zones" (RIP Anthony Bourdain (future saint?)) make his first appearance as Da Pope here:

Of course, it's not so often that we get a new Pope, so we've done our research and gathered some facts about Hizzoliness that'll be most relevant to how he might go about his papal duties.

• Favorite football team: Da Bears
• Favorite basketball team: Da Bulls
• Favorite baseball team: Da Sox
• Favorite White Sox player: Couldn't decide between A.J. Pierzynski and Tim Anderson
• Favorite hockey team: Toronto Maple Leafs
• Favorite quote by a fellow Chicagoan: "She got a light-skinned friend, look like Michael Jackson / Got a dark-skinned friend, look like Michael Jackson"
• Favorite citation style: Chicago
• Favorite beer: Mike Ditka
• Person he most wishes to cast into the depths of Hell: Alberto Fujimori
• Favorite bean: Lima
• A thing he does not like: Sneak dissers
• Favorite song:

When asked what he missed most about his pre-papal life, he said: "goin' for a sammich at da Jewels, drivin' home, trowin' the grachkis on da table, grabbin' an Old Style from da ol' ice box, and sittin' down in the frunchroom to watch Da Bears."